During
a tasty middle-eastern lunch with my colleagues recently, we found ourselves
settling back into the age-old (or at least as old as those of us around the
table have been obsessing) question of what we as clergy will or won’t, should
or should not do outside synagogue walls for our members. It related to a
frustration with those (albeit few) members of our congregations who were using
an independent worship space to hold their family’s Bar/Bat Mitzvah services
and celebrations. We bemoaned the fact that some of our member families, often
because of convenience (“Why can’t we have the ceremony at the country club
before the party, it saves us schlepping in a bus?”) or because the date
assigned for the simcha at the congregation is “inconvenient”, take their
community celebration outside our community. And that we as clergy will
surely not officiate those requests, though we may tutor and support the
student along the way.
So
here’s my conundrum: If individuals in our community do not feel the tug, the
connection, the draw to that community strongly enough to worship and celebrate
within its walls and among its members, aren’t we partially to blame?
I
have found myself these past few years moving from one who always looked with
suspicion upon and criticized those who don't see the value, the imperative of
engaging fully and with dedication to synagogue life, to one who is searching
for more diverse, creative, possibly scary, and yet more open-minded ways of
engaging our members.
The
slippery-slope arguments are good (I’d know, I’ve used‘em): Yes, we can’t let
any family just go wherever they want for a “private” ceremony. Becoming
Bar/Bat Mitzvah happens automatically at 13, and the ceremony simply
acknowledges and celebrates that fact in and amongst the “community” – so yes,
it stands to reason that the transition must occur within the community. And
congregations are places of learning, of connection, of deepening one’s own search
for fullness, and of sharing that with others.
But,
I asked my colleagues, what if we have failed to create an environment in which
that family, that 13 year old, really sees and feels the value of this
synagogue community?
Why
are we shocked when some Bar/Bat Mitzvah families consider taking their
ceremonies outside the synagogue? Many of these families are fulfilling the commandment of celebrating in front of their
community; it’s just not the synagogue community. We can’t just insist that
they celebrate their transformational moments within our walls, if those walls
do not hold for them moments of meeting, of conversation, of laughter, of
comfort.
When we learn about a family taking
their Bar Mitzvah outside of the synagogue, the question we should ask
shouldn’t be about their specific act of treachery; we should instead be asking
are we, as leaders of our Jewish community, doing enough?
Isn’t
it possible that our members don't come to worship on Saturday mornings with
our B’nei Mitzvah families not because of the quality of the service, but
rather because they have no relationship with that child, with that family? Is
it possible that some of our families question the cost of tutoring, of
afternoon Hebrew school hoops through which to jump, of the rules and
regulations of becoming a Bar and Bat Mitzvah in a synagogue, because they are
NOT receiving precisely what it is we are INSISTING they should want from
synagogue, which is a sense of community? If I am a parent who has only a few
friends in the congregation, and my child has a few pals but is not known by
any other adults in the community, is not celebrated by more than just the
Rabbi, Cantor and tutor – what’s this “community?” Is “community” simply the
obligation of all Jews who happen to have the same DNA, or an historical sense
of “this is what it means to become Bar/Bat Mitzvah?” If it ever did, it
certainly doesn’t mean that anymore. The members of many congregations are
craving connection, a place to belong; their children tell us in every way they
know how, that they want meaningful engagement, to be valued, to feel safe. For
many, this is already happening, and for the rest, I know as community leaders
we can provide it.
Most
of our families are delighted to celebrate in our congregations; those who
leave or who are looking for what we could call a “personalized” ceremony are
perhaps a small minority. But I challenge the view that those few are by their
nature somehow difficult, or selfish, or inconsiderate. I could be naïve – but
I’d like to think that if they felt as connected to the community as others do,
if they felt that they wanted to be surrounded by the people, the echoes, the
sense of belonging they could only find in their synagogue, that they would be
more inclined to accept their inconvenient date, and rent an extra bus to drive
to the party.
I
don’t have all of the answers…What I do know is that synagogues matter,
communities of relationship and connection matter, and everyone wants to belong
to something, to care and be cared for. Congregations and leadership, me and
mine included, must begin to do this better, to show why synagogues matter, and
ask ourselves different kinds of questions when we learn that some are looking
for their “true community” (of family and friends who know and care about their
stories) outside our walls.